Bodily Functions Best Left in the Bathroom Used to Embarrass a Cop-Stuff You Won't See on NCIS

I was a cop for over twenty years. Throughout those years, there were some exciting and exhilarating times but there were also some embarrassing times. Two instances always come to mind when I think of being embarrassed while policing. I’ll never forget either of them and they both have to do with bodily functions and alcohol. Once you hear about them, you too will know why I’ll never forget them.

The first incident occurred one evening when a fellow officer arrested a man for driving under the influence of alcohol. This was many years ago but I remember him to be in his mid-twenties with a slow and compliant demeanor. I was the officer who would be checking the man into our booking area and then administering a breath test. I had done the procedure many times and it was a relatively simple process once you memorized it.

Our procedure was that the arresting officer would bring the handcuffed prisoner into a secure room, which was being video taped and where the booking officer, in this case me, would be waiting. I’d immediately identify myself, advise the subject of their present location, and his or her legal rights (Miranda Rights). Then, I would take his or her handcuffs off and do a thorough search of the prisoner. After the search, I’d advise the subject of some procedural rights (actually read them verbatim) and then I would question him or her regarding the arrest. Basically, without getting into more details, that’s how it went. Simple by the book, I could do it with my eyes closed, well, almost.

With this man, I did all I mentioned leading up to the search then I started searching him, starting from the top of his head working my way down. He was compliant and following all directions. I had no real concerns as I continued my search. I got down to his rear end, right smack dab behind his butt, about two inches away, when he ripped off a fart, flatulence, stinker, whatever you want to call it, right smack dab in my face, actually right smack in my nose!

I wanted to do every possible bad thing a man could do to another man. However, either he was the world’s greatest actor or he did it by accident because when he let it rip and my eyes met his, he just rather looked down at me and said, oh, I’m, uh—sorry. He made it seem like it was a total accident, which left me at a loss as to what to do to him. Well, I backed off for a bit to let every lingering smell to subside and for me to gather my wits. A few seconds later, I decided to let it go and just continue with my search, which is what I did. Of course, the arresting officer who was standing behind us was laughing his butt off.

I personally think the prisoner did it on purpose and that he was an academy award actor, at least that night. He registered over the legal limit for drinking and driving and at least I had the satisfaction of locking the cell door behind him.

The second incident also was an arrested individual for driving under the influence of alcohol, this time a woman—a very intoxicated woman. Again, I was the booking and testing officer.

The arresting officer brought her in and I immediately saw that she was quite unsteady on her feet. She appeared to be in her late thirties and was wearing a loose fitting mini-skirt. I did all the usual procedural things needed. I called in a female officer to search her. Everything went relatively well but when we got to the point where she could either submit or refuse to blow into the breath-testing instrument, she did everything she could think of to avoid the subject matter. She said she had to go to the bathroom. I told her I’d have to call a female officer to go to the bathroom with her as our procedures stated that she would have to be in constant observation of an officer before she blew into the testing instrument. She said she did not want to be watched and that she would hold it.

She continued to come up with all kinds of excuses trying to avoid whether she would refuse or comply.  She brought up the bathroom issue a couple of more times. However, at the last minute said she said that she’d hold it and to forget about her request.

I was fed up and told her that she would have to give me a yes or a no answer— she submits by blowing into the breath-testing instrument or she refuses. I told her if she did not tell me either way, immediately, I’d mark it a refusal, which brings a one-year drivers license suspension with it. Once again, she told me she had to go to the bathroom. I told her no bathroom break now—a yes or no. She looked at me and said, “If you don’t let me go to the bathroom, I’m going to go to the bathroom right here, right now.” Again, I told her no bathroom—that we had gone down that road before and she needs to give me an answer— now. She said it again, “If no bathroom, I’ll go to the bathroom right here.” I told her that after her answer or after her blowing into the instrument, she could go.  She looked intently at me for two or three seconds, spread her legs a little, and just started peeing. Not a sprinkle mind you, but a gallon of it! Right there on the linoleum floor, on camera in front of two officers.

It is not often I am at a loss for words but I was then. I just stared with my mouth wide open in silence. I grabbed my clipboard, walked out of the booking room, and went into our dispatch room where many dispatchers and cops were watching it all happen. They were laughing their heads off! I though, was in shock. I couldn’t even laugh. I asked a female officer to deal with her regarding cleanliness as she peed right through her underwear.

She finally submitted to blowing into the breath instrument and was way over the legal limit—what a surprise, huh. I ended my shift that night mopping the floor up of all the alcohol-ridden pee. Not exciting or exhilarating, this time or when I was attacked by the gasman. They never show this stuff on TV!